So today I learned that, apparently, we shit a lot in this house. And when I say a lot, I mean more than you're average family of four. Because for yet ANOTHER year I heard the Septic Guy say, "Man, you really need to have that pumped more often. You were in danger of losing the tank."

Like what .... once a week? Do I need to go out there every day with a wet/dry vac?

How hard is it to keep a septic tank in good shape? Just don't flush paper products and dead fish.

Well, you know what this means. I'll just have to use the bathroom in the office more often. Besides, why poop for free when you can get paid for it. I'll have to start rounding up the family once a day for a drive to the office.

"Daddy, I have to go poo."

"Hold it! Bathroom time is at 2 today."

Which should work for the kids anyway. The first six months of toilet training my daughter would only use the toilet at Wal-Mart.

If you ask me, that's taking your life in your hands. I do't think I would ever expose my bare ass in that place. Hell, I'd rather be stranded in the middle of Compton, wearing a white robe, shouting the "N" word, than be caught at an Albuquerque Wal-Mart in the middle of the night.

But if it's between being the victim of a hate crime, or having to replace the septic tank, I'm willing to sleep with the lights on at night.